Welcome to the World of Land and Sky..

A Tale of Two Cities

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 06:21:20 GMT

Is easily the greatest, most touching piece of literature I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Never before have I been so absorbed in and moved by a story as I have been tonight. It's the most powerful story of love and sacrifice I have ever witnessed, and I wish I could somehow express this feeling more concisely.

That's all, just wanted to share that.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 05:18:41 GMT

I suddenly feel incrediably depressed and honestly have no idea why. In the past five minutes I've gone from feeling fine to terrible.

Guess that's nothing new with me, though.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 05:15:28 GMT

I haven't felt this anxious and depressed in a long time.

Just keep telling yourself after Wednesday this week will be easy, and not to be anxious. God, I just want to sleep.

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 03:47:20 GMT

My dog has been throwing up, I'm reminded of how Nugget died. I didn't even know he was sick back then.

Buddy pisses me off a lot, but I hope he's ok, I'm probably just paranoid.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 04:00:34 GMT

I feel like I want to cut lose and just rip into things. I'm not a violent person, but I feel this craving to just start a fight and try to tear a guy apart, even if I get my ass kicked.

Oddly, when I'm like this I'm in control of my anger, I've never been more pissed at my brother for being selfish as I was today and I calmly killed the urge to smash his face into a wall.

And yet I want to fight, even if I'd lose.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 03:17:46 GMT

It's only Friday and I already feel anxious and shitty.

Here's to SATS (and my review course has proven that this test is the most drawn out pile of bullshit ever conceived) tomorrow, an article for the school newspaper afterwards, and a fuckton of homework on Sunday, with nothing positive to look forward to.

Sometimes I wish I was a sociopath or had a split personality or something, just because it'd make me something other than mediocre and boring, though I really just want attention. Still, I wish I just wasn't a face in the crowd everywhere I go.

I find I can't deny my faults, or the things that are wrong with me. Even when I say I don't know what's wrong with me, it's usually a lie, and I just don't want to deal with facing all those things. Besides that, I know they're mostly my fault anyway, so it doesn't make me feel any better to acknowledge them.

I'd like something to look forward too, it's what keeps me going on days like today.

I guess I'll manage.

-Michael

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 03:13:41 GMT

I didn't finish all my homework, I need to write a paper tomorrow during lunch. I know it's my fault, but it's hard for me to not procrastinate. Besides, if I really didn't think I could handle it during lunch I'd be doing it instead of posting here for the entertainment of my non-existant audience.

But I really wanted to post because besides anxiety over school work, I'm feeling pretty good this Sunday. It's really are for me to not be at my lowest today.

That's all, I hope it snows soon.

-Michael

I'm not suicidal.

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 05:19:34 GMT

I'd like to die in December, before Christmas, as selfish as that sounds. Now that Thanksgiving's over I can allow myself to get into the 'spirit', or at least not disdain it for being so early, as Charlie Brown once taught me. Honestly, it's something in the music. Every song I hear brings me a melancholic peacefullness, and thoughts of snowy neighborhoods filled with lights. I don't want to die until I get one December in which I there's nothing to do, no work, no obligations, and all I'll do is look at the lights and the families and listen to the music. That would be a wonderful time to just go to sleep and never wake up

There's no way I can do any sort of dying this December, though, but maybe I'll get my licence so I can drive around and see the lights and listen to some Christmas music.

That's a stretch.

Oh, by the way, Zelda: Twilight Princess is begin to feel like the next Ocarina of Time.

-Michael

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 04:31:09 GMT

It's so weird, today hasn't been one of my best days (not that I can recall the last good day I had, but maybe I'm just bitchy).

-I bombed, and I mean BOMBED, my Greek test. The entire front page was pretty much all wrong. Fortunately, the sections on the stories I aced, so hopefully I didn't fail too bad.

-I forgot the books I needed for tonight's homework. Haven't done that since the fourth grade.

-I'm really doubting my chances of snagging a Wii when it comes out, which is a bummer, I was looking forward to Zelda. Well, I could probably snag one if I camped out a couple hours early, but who wants to do that alone? I know Zach won't want to go, and I really...don't know anyone else. I guess I'm more bothered by the fact I don't know anyone who'd stick it out with me. No offense to Zach, he's a good guy, but he's just not the sort to get up with me at some unspeakable hour and wait for a few hours outside of Best Buy. He'd be around for important stuff, but not a little thing like that.

My mom apparently talked to some people, and they suggested against majoring is Psychology, and that I should stick with English. It's not that I had my heart set on anything, but I feel like I wish I had something I knew I could make a concrete career out of. I don't think I'm that good of a writer, even if that's something I'd like to be, and I definately don't want to be an English teacher. I just wish there was something I was good at that I knew I could make money doing. I don't really mind if I'm not rich, I just never want to have to think "Damn, how am I gonna afford this?" or not be able to go on a vacation if I have a family, or not pay for my kid to go to college. I don't want to struggle in live, I suppose, and I feel like I'm doomed to because I think I'm mediocre.

But, for once, I'm anxious. Not just the negative anxious, though, I'm really excited. My English teacher suggested me to apply to some Writing Conference in Vermont, and to see if my submission would get me in. I spent all day worrying about sending in the letter, hell, thinking about it now makes me very nervous. See, they only picked me to do this, and I don't think I'm very good. But, if she picked me then that means someone believes in me. I really needed that, to be believed in. For the most part, though I hold know ill will, those around me just expect me to do well because that's how I've been since the 3rd grade. Maybe that is believing in me, but I guess I never felt it. But Ms. Piazza, for whatever reason, though I could get accepted into this thing, so that means someone doesn't think I'm just average and mediocre. It makes me a little less depressed.

Speaking of my English teacher, she was apparently on Wheel of Fortune with Paul Pierce. I checked it out, and it turned out to be true. Naturally, I mentioned it to some of my classmates. Connor called bullshit, and I told him to go ahead and ask her about it. He said he would and cite me as the source. I don't typically like that, I don't want anyone to see me as the driving force the the rumor-mill (I'm not, though I like to talk). Still, I didn't see how being on Wheel of Fortune could be construed as a negative, so I figured no harm no foul.

Allegedly, the Wheel of Fortune thing was confirmed fairly quickly, and then Connor mentioned he didn't trust his source. She asked who it was, and he of course said it was me. She responded by calling me a "quality kid" to which Connor responded:

"If he's got you thinking that he's already fooled you."

That rabble-rouser, we both intend to have a mock contempt for one another if the subject is ever brought up during either English class. Granted, he's not entirely lying, but I'm a lot better than a lot of my class mates.

That's all for today, till next time.

I want to sleep for a year and see who still remembers me.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:57:29 GMT

Oh, here we go again. Shall I talk about how I'm beginning to be unable to control my anger? My low self confidence? Depression? Don't you worry, my imaginary audience, I know you're all well versed in the same old same old. I'll talk about my day so I can read this tomorrow and be disgusted with myself. Nothing new there either.

I got my grades today:
English Language/Comp. AP: B+
Greek II Honors: A-
Latin III Honors: A
Ethics: A-
Algebra II: A
Chemistry: A

How the hell I got an A in Chem is beyond me, I consistently walk out of that class with no idea what the hell I was just told. Well, I guess I'm good at winging it. Over-all I did a lot better than I expected this quarter, but English pisses me off. Had I been published (which I can only play myself for not starting earlier) I bet I would have gotten an A-. Well, I suppose there's next time.

I've never doubted myself as much as this year. I've always accepted I was never the best, I'm very use to it. But if the things I really care about are things I'm only mediocre at, why the hell am I bothering? Yeah, I'm in AP English, but I make stupid mistakes as far as grammar, and constantly feel like I'm out of my league. I suppose it's a matter of being the worst of the best or the best of the worst, and I hate being the best of the worst. It just means the group of people I'm suppose to get along with will always see me as inferior. They're always going to be better, to do more, to accomplish better things. I rather be at the top of the bottom, honestly. Maybe then I wouldn't feel as inadequate as I do now. I'm suppose to apply for some writing seminar in May, and only two kids from the school can apply. I have no idea what to write about, and I feel like no matter what I do I'm gonna fail at it and I'll have screwed up when someone else could have succeeded. I try to tell myself otherwise, but the self-motivation just dies in my throat.

Continuing along the emo tangent that I said I wasn't going to go down (I'm a liar), I spent most of Latin class using my red correction pen to color in the lines along my palm. I would later be annoyed at myself because I can't get that shit off no matter how much I wash my hands, but I recall my reasoning at the time. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't forget how miserable I was feeling during that class, though I can't place why I felt that way. Like I need a reason for self-loathing. I still haven't finished driver's ed. Every time I hear about people driving I want to get off my ass and learn, but when it's finally time to get moving I just can't make myself get up and do it.

Enough of how much I hate myself.

It rained like hell after school today, and I got to walk to the train, walking along fences to get past foot deep puddles. Good times, I've gotten use to it in all my years at that school.

It's quite possible that me and Zach will be purchasing Final Fantasy XII and having a race to see who'll complete it first. Hopefully it doesn't bore me to death like X did, but I guess I won't know until I play. Oh, and Zach told me how to pronounce kiosk, didn't know that one. (Yes I'm that retarded.)

Speaking of games, I made the mistake of going to Gamefaqs without knowing absolutely everything about .hack//GU, which mind you isn't even COMPLETED in Japan yet. Of course, as soon as I go to the boards my eyes are graced with the spoiler of all spoilers for the series. This is Sephiroth killed Aerith before everyone knew about it kind of spoilers. I kind of suspected it, though, and I suppose if I don't know the details I'll survive. I hate having to ignore series I love just because I want to remain a plot virgin.

Somewhere in this collision of angst and summary I forgot something I had wanted to say. Last week I felt for the first time in a long time that people believed in me. Granted, two days later I was back to my usual self, but I'm gonna try really hard to remember that, even if each day it gets hazier.

But right now I just want to sleep, at least I have Friday off.
-Michael

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 04:06:48 GMT

.hack//GU is freakin amazing, and nothing further can be said.

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 02:05:45 GMT

Today sucked shit.

-I tried to do as much work as possible as to free up my evening so I could play the new .hack game, only to discover it doesn't come out till tomorrow. I have a ton of unavoidable work I have to do tomorrow evening, so that's wonderful.
-A bad spill wrecked my CD player, and now it just shuts off on its own at random. I'm debating whether to get a new player or just move to MP3.
-I'm suppose to do a practice essay for SAT prep, fuck that shit. I take an AP writing course, I don't need someone who doesn't even teach english to tell me how to write. Besides, I have enough shit to do as is.
-I for some reason allowed myself to be the one to edit a groups individual papers into one large one for Ethics, ensuring tomorrow be an exciting adventure.
-AIM decided to shit out on me and refuse to work, isolating me from most of my friends for the durration of the evening.
-My left arm is achey as hell and I can't make it stop.

Things are marvelous.

I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 03:35:52 GMT

Sundays bring perpetual angst for me, which means its time to update.

For once, I'll post about what I've done lately instead of how shitty I've felt.

-Woke up two hours earlier because for some reason I set my alarm's time two hours forward. Nice.
-Watched the movie The Island today. Pretty good. Enough plot and action to keep me entertained. Some scenes that actually bothered me too.
-Neglected to see The Departed or go practice driving. I know I'm putting it off, part of me wants to drive, but the other part of me...I dunno. Maybe I'm afraid once I learn to drive I'll have to accept I'm starting to grow up.
-Caught the end of The Corpse Bride. Was in no way interested in seeing the rest. I liked it better when it was called Nightmare Before Christmas and everyone who shops at hot topic wasn't masturbating to it.
-Watched the movie Just Friends on HBO. I was amused, but annoyed at the ending until the very last second at which I died laughing.
-Played Halo 2 with Silver Rogue, F3, Alric, Raz, and Atoshi from HTLOZ. Was really fun. Unfortunately, I was absolutely exhausted on Saturday and didn't stick around too long.
-My English teacher recommended for me to apply to go to a conference about writing in Vermont in May. At first I thought it sounded great, and was certainly interested. When I was looking at the information about going, however, I got incrediably nervous to the point of a panic attack. I felt like it was out of my league, that I didn't belong there. I'm not that good of a writer. Hell, I didn't even get published to get an A. Yeah, I fucked up there, procrastinated. My mom was annoyed with me over it. Either way, if I don't think about it, I won't be bothered until later.
-She also wanted me to revise my last paper and send it to her over email for one reason or another. I didn't get around to it tonight, too distracted, I'll have to do it tomorrow.
-It's 10:52 and I feel like I've wasted my entire day. God.

Oh, and I didn't forget ayn504 tagged me, though I doubt I have six friends to tag back.
List six things about yourself and tag six other people:
1. I fear change
2. I secretly love the movies Ten Things I Hate About You and Loser
3. The show Scrubs is now a favorite of mine. I haven't missed an episode since it started airing on Comedy Central.
4. The fact that I was an accident is something I think about a bit more these days.
5. When I wake up in the morning after a cold night the parts of the bed I wasn't lying on are freezing, and it drives me absolutely nuts.
6. I care about being accepted more than I let on.

I'll tag the few friends I talk to on a regular basis that have accounts. salamwreck furythree Wow, I don't really know anyone on this thing.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

~Mike

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 03:50:07 GMT

I feel like I'm wasting all my time, that I've wasted years.

Have I missed out on being a teenager?

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 03:01:02 GMT

For the first time in a long while, I feel content. Maybe not happy, but at peace. It's been a while since I expressed all my feelings, and I suppose my mediocre abilities at writing can be bent to at least the end of venting. Maybe I'm biased, but I'm a bit proud of what I spawned.

But I think I'll keep it to myself, at least for a while, I don't like letting people see everything I feel. Maybe under an alias or something.

It's not something to think about tonight, anyway. SAT-prep at 8:00am tomorrow.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 02:28:59 GMT

What is wrong with me?

Ugh

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 17:32:30 GMT

I don't know why, but I feel like I could cry today.

Hum.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 19:55:59 GMT

My English teacher has a really nice rack.

I think this is going to be an enjoyable year.

God

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 01:03:37 GMT

I hate when things change; I hate not being able to let go of people.

Pharaoh

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 07:32:31 GMT

My beautiful dreams, the only time I've felt content, are becoming nightmares each night.

Any Josephs in the house?

Fullfillment

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 23:18:44 GMT

An old promise has been kept. Let's see what happpens.

All-Seeing Eye

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 06:21:01 GMT

Nothing can hide from the eyes of God, all who seek will find.
For no man can always hold secret, the contents of his mind.
All-seeing eye.

I wonder

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 05:59:33 GMT

On days like today, I wonder if Demons can kill Angels.

Meh

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 02:31:45 GMT

It's been too dark out lately, harder to be upbeat when it is.

Mon, 22 May 2006 03:37:34 GMT

What is it about Sundays that makes me so angry?